I have sat down to write countless times the last couple months.
Obviously, it didn't go so well.
I think its because I never really had anything worth saying. I wasn't growing. I was stuck in my own thoughts and needed time to digest them all.
The last two months haven't been my favorite. A lot has happened and a bunch of it hasn't been fun.
But even though there were a lot of dark and sad times. I don't believe I've ever been closer to God before. He's made me face my deepest darkest fear...and through His grace I survived. The one thing I didn't think I would be able to bear, He held me through. His love has never been more real in my entire life.
I've been doing a fantastic bible study by Kelly Minter called "No Other Gods". Its been perfect for the season I'm in. I often find myself clinging to people or things and trying to be happy through them instead of God. The study encouraged me to get down on my face before God and thank Him for all His attributes. I'm not going to lie, I didn't really want to. Not because I don't love God but because my chair is really comfortable. But I felt really stupid telling God I wouldn't worship Him because I was to comfortable, so I got up and dropped my Bible on the floor. I then preceded to stare at the floor, dreading the descent downward. Not because I have a fear of sticking my face into my carpet, but because I am so ridiculously sore from my stupid pilates class that I wasn't sure if I would ever be able to get back up. I literally felt about 110. However, while I was reading and praying I was struck all over again by my current favorite psalm - Psalm 91.
I love this psalm because it talks about the awesome power of God. He is so mighty, but He is also so gentle. He's our protector. He saves us from our fears.
"Surely he will save you from the fowler's snare
and from the deadly pestilence.
He will cover you with his feathers,
and under his wings you will find refuge;
his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
You will not fear the terror of night,
nor the arrow that flies by day"
Psalm 91:3-5
I've been so afraid lately. Afraid I'll never find anyone to love me. Afraid of sleeping at night. Afraid of leaving home. Afraid that when I leave home, I'll make some bonehead mistake I'll have to live with for the rest of my life. That I won't make friends at college, my now friends won't visit me at college and everyone will know I was homeschooled. Not that I didn't love being homeschooled...I just don't want to act like I was. If you were homeschooled, you know EXACTLY what I mean.
However, God has been doing a ridiculous work on my heart. He's healing me from various pain. He's given me enough hope for about 3 people. I am constantly aware of His presence. I find great comfort in the fact that as the verse states, He holds me close. He's my refuge. He's faithful.
I remember sitting on my bed last week after saying goodbye to a close friend. I was trying really hard not to cry. I asked God why it had to happen. He gently whispered back...almost audibly "to draw you close to Me".
I don't know what you are going through. But I promise you, God is faithful. I don't know what your greatest fear is, but God will hold you through it. I don't know what's going to happen in the future, but I promise its good. Because God promised it would be good. I'm also willing to bet it won't be how you expect.
I'm not saying I am now 100% hurt free and fine. I'm not. My heart still hurts, but I have have hope. It's all going to be ok. I guess I've learned that God can handle all of me. From me complaining about being sore, hungry, tired, and lonely...to happy, romantic, and hyper. He loves all of me. It's such a freeing feeling. I finally feel free to be me.
I've learned there is no need to fear because God is bigger than my fears. Yours too.
"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love."
1 John 4:18
